Extreme Polka

I got sauced last night...

What do you get when you take one stoned rap artist who goes by the name of a shark, 3 extreme Polkaholics, two men named Naked and Shameless, a film crew from Germany's ARD television, the funniest, sexiest and frankly most entertaining men's magazine you can possibly buy-London's Loaded Magazine, a man with a tattooed face dressed like a pirate, 12 female models, 3 male models, and 36 gallons on BBQ sauce???

You get one helluva an Extreme Polka Party!!

Our new best friends Naked and Shameless invited us to play at their BBQ Party at Lyons Den last night, and wow what an incredible party it was!
DJ Chuck and Rapper Sharkula started out the evening, but I could only understand every third word Sharkula said. Don't do drugs kids- just...don't! Sharkula should change his name to Stonedala.
Stonedala had another rapper jump on stage with him and do his thing, while he wasn't stoned he wasn't much better. Why do rappers find it necessary to say "Mutha fucka" every third word and grab their crotch...a lot...they have cream for that ya know? DJ Chuck was incredible however! He really knew his stuff and just did an wonderful job trying to cover up for Stonedala.
But I digress...
We took the stage and played extreme polka for about an hour. Things got off to a rough start for me as Stonedalla managed to step and stomp and fall and screw up all of my cables and my tuner during his hour long "performance" and he somehow managed to break the mic stand...don't do drugs kids. So when I went to use my tuner after the first song guess what? All hell broke loose! And to make matters worse the cameraman from Germany stepped on the power supply and as a result shut me down cold! The extreme oohm pah pow of the polka bass was rendered silent! What could I do? I yelled like I've not yelled in some time! Good thing I do not know German all of that well- hee hee!!
But wait there is more!
Thanks to Stonedala's treatment of the aformentioned microphone stand, the mic clip was broken and the mic fell off of the stand while I was singing. Was I pissed off? Was I upset? Did I storm off the stage and stick my shiny white size 13 shoe straight up his......
No no no nothing like that! Luckily all of this chaos happened during the first two songs of our set, and after that is was smooth sailing. No crotch grabbing or incestuous references were to be had at any point of our set.
Dandy Don worked his magic with his guitar and the crowd, at one point getting up on a table and playing- the German film crew loved that! I hope that we will be able to see their documentary on Chicago Polka, as I am sure that they had no idea it would ever involve BBQ sauce wrestling.
As you all know when we play the polka we also have to SMELL like the polka so Dandy Don as well as Action Jackson and myself had our ritual Old Spice dousing before the first song. I learned a valuable lesson last night: Do not put Old Spice on top of your head as that shit STINGS when it gets in your eyes!! Damn by the 5th song I could barely open my eyes!
I think that we made some new fans last night and thanks to everyone that bought us the beers and had all of the great compliments, and I hope that a few of you will venture out to some more Polkaholics® shows in the future.
Hey a big shout out goes to Mr. Fantastic who came all of the way from Champaign, IL to see us.
After our set Naked and Shameless played for about 45 minutes and got the crowd all riled up for the main event of the evening: BBQ SAUCE WRESTLEING!! I've not heard them before and I have to be honest- they were entertaing and quite funny, you'll see me at more of their shows!
If you've never experienced the thrill (or is it the horror?) of watching attractive young ladies in skimpy clothing grab and grope each other in a tub filled with 36 gallons of Sweet Rays BBQ Sauce- then you just have not lived a full life yet my friends! The wresting started at midnight and went on for about an hour, it was insane!

Can't wait for the next show!

See the photos!

TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT

From our buddies Naked and Shameless:

The long awaited Hot Dawg! EP is contractually due to be delivered to Atomic Mouse Recordings by Memorial day... leave it to Buck and Dave to leave it to the last second...

I so wanted to let the people hear it on May 27th. It's a big show. Big BBQ sauce wrestling match. Loaded Magazine's coming from the UK and German TV's coming on account of our good friends the Polkaholics being on the bill. Them Germans love Polka. Even American style polka with big guitars. And if that ain't enough, we've got SHARKULA -- the most amazing rapper from the streets... he's so wonderfully out there that he makes Kool Keith look Hollywood..."

Well dip me in Herosheema Hellfire Teriyacki Sauce and feed me to the aliens! That's a lot of good times and strange salvations to be had for the low cover charge of $6!

Smells like--dead fish

Phish breaking up

HOORAY!!!! Hooray!! Yippee!! There must be a higher power because once of my dreams has just come true!! Yee haawww!! No more Phish!! No more smelly hippies!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2004 Posted: 5:37 PM EDT (2137 GMT)

NEW YORK (AP) -- Phish, the Vermont-based jam band whose legions of dedicated fans made them one of the United States' top touring acts, announced Tuesday that they were breaking up.

Band leader Trey Anastasio made the announcement on the band's Web site.

"Last Friday night, I got together with Mike, Page and Fish to talk openly about the strong feelings I've been having that Phish has run its course and that we should end it now while it's still on a high note," he wrote.

"We don't want to become caricatures of ourselves, or worse yet, a nostalgia act," he said. "By the end of the meeting, we realized that after almost 21 years together we were faced with the opportunity to graciously step away in unison, as a group, united in our friendship and our feelings of gratitude."

On this day...

1844 - The gasoline engine was patented by Stuart Perry

1935 - Babe Ruth hit his final homerun, his 714th, and set a record that would stand for 39 years.

1968 - The Rolling Stones released "Jumpin' Jack Flash."

1969 - "Midnight Cowboy" opened in New York.

1974 - Pam Morrison, Jim Morrison's widow, died of a drug overdose

1978 - Keith Moon performed with the Who for the last time.

1992 - Khalil Rountree, tour manager for Boyz II Men, was shot and killed at a hotel in Chicago. The group was on tour with Hammer at the time of the incident.

1996 - Bradley Nowell (Sublime) was found dead in his San Francisco motel room of a drug overdose at the age of 26.

1977 - "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope" opened and became the largest grossing film to date, and good news is that on this day in 1977 the love of my life was born.

Happy 27th Birthday Laura!!

This Thursday!!

Thursday May 27 -  Lyon's Den, 9 pm, $5
1934 W. Irving Park, just east of Damen on Irving Park, phone: 773 871-3757, Chicago.

The exquisite Naked & Shameless is hosting this night of frivolity and fun, and we will be there to provide our own brand of chaos to the affair.  Expect the unexpected for this event and c'mon out to jump-start your Memorial Day weekend!  Plus, believe it or not, a German TV station will be at this show filming for an upcoming documentary on Chicago - they want to showcase the diversity of the city and the people who live in our fair city of broad polkas!  So here's your chance to show Germany what CHICAGO POLKAHOLISM is all about!!  Festivities start at 9pm and we'll be playing at 10pm, so be sure to be there for this unusual night of local variation and international media exposure.

Kurt Cobain's murderer is back in the news again this week.

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- Rocker Courtney Love was arraigned Thursday on assault charges stemming from a nightclub incident two months ago when she was accused of hitting a man on the head with a microphone stand.

She covered a wide range of topics in her diatribe, touching on her lifestyle and her image.

"I'm exactly the same as I've always been," said Love, who stopped on her way out to touch up a court artist's rendition of her. "I'm not a demure housewife. Why should I start acting like one?"

"I was a junkie....

Mmmm well she said it herself folks- she is exactly the same as she's always been...a junkie.

By the way Krist Novoselic's birthday was May 11th, I bet she did not send him a card.

Speaking of extreme foods-

I suggest that everyone check out The Stinky Meat Project. See what happens when scientist Mahlon Smith took 3 kinds of meat, 19 days, and 1,000,000 maggots, and stuck them in the yard of his unwitting neighbor.

**Jolly James says do not eat apple turnovers while viewing day 12- ewwwww

Extremely Tasty snack!

Trillions of black, shrimp-size bugs with transparent wings and beady red eyes are beginning to carpet trees, buildings, poles, and just about anything else vertical in a wide region of the U.S. The invasion zone stretches from the eastern seaboard west through Indiana and south to Tennessee.

Since this year marks the emergence of the 17 years cicada- trillions are to emerge this year why not take advantage of these freaks of nature and fry 'em up! I prefer a beer batter but this is good enough. I've had these deep fried tasty morsels and I highly recommend them, they taste a lot like asparagus.

Hey if I can play extreme music why can't I eat extreme food?

The bugs belong to the largest group, or brood, of periodical cicadas—insects that spend most of their lives as nymphs, burrowed underground and sucking sap from tree roots. They emerge once every 17 years, transform into adults, do the business of reproduction, and then die.

**Disclaimer: Jolly James does not advocate eating cicadas without first consulting with your doctor. While many people do eat cicadas, there is no guarantee that they are safe for every person to eat. As with all foods, it is possible that certain individuals, will have allergic reactions to substances within the cicada.**

1 is the loneliest number

As of today 2528 visitors- but only a small handfull of replies. Well at least 22.7 folks are visiting each day.

Thanks for looking!
Jolly James

The Cult of Kolob

Donny and Marie Osmond's mother Olive passed away yesterday. She was 79. What bummer to have your mother pass away on Mother's Day.

For those of your who are old enough to remember The Osmond Family or "Puppy Love" or The Donnie and Marie Show let me ask you this: Didn't you always wonder if there was some sort if incestuous love affair going on between Donnie and Marie? My older sister and I watched their show every week way back in 1976-1979 and we both thought that they were "keeping it in the family". Let's be honest Donnie and Marie were both good looking kids.

The Osmonds were huge in the 70's. Their first album One Bad Apple went to Number 1 in America for more than a month, selling over a million copies, and they could actually rock! Just listen to "Hold Her Tight", which is an obvious rip off of Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song", and the wailing guitars heard on "Crazy Horses" took more than a few listeners by surprise.

The Osmand's had some bitchin' album covers a la Elvis Presley, and they looked a tad bit better in those polyester sequin coated jumpsuits in the early 70's than Elvis did as Elvis was a fat bloated drug abuser and the Osmond's were a Mormon cult of inbred harmonizing kids from Utah- kids who had perfect teeth and hair. However Elvis never tried to get people to follow a religion or worship a place called Kolob via an album named The Plan. The irony to this is that most of the Osmond's grew up to be fat and bloated.

Olive Osmond is survived by her husband, nine children, 55 grandchildren and 22 great-grandchildren so the inbred cult of the Osmonds will live on! Mmm I wonder if purple sequined socks will ever come back into style?